Twas’ the night before the weekend before Christmas. The blizzard had come in like a golf club to an Escalade®. It tore the North Pole apart. Santa’s Uggs® were two feet deep in white powder. Drinking an ice cold Coca Cola®, he made his way out to the front of the house. As he tightened his new XXXL Louis Vuitton® patent leather belt, he peered out in front of him. From his porch, he could clearly see his new Lexus® in the driveway, with a huge red ribbon on it. He smiled. He loved Christmastime. But beyond the brand-new-car-with-special-holiday-financing-and-12%-apr, something in the distance struck his eye. He slowly removed his Christian Dior® designer sunglasses to get a better look. After all, who are we kidding, he hasn’t seen the sun in 4 years. Why would his niece get him sunglasses? He also questioned the latest gift he had received from her- a $100 gift certificate to Hollywood Tan®. But now wasn’t a time to dwell on that. He shook off these thoughts, because he knew, with a second glance, disaster had struck.

In the spot he had last parked his sleigh, was now a massive mound of iced-over white slush. His pride and joy, the thing closest to his heart (no, not the MacBook®  that Mrs. Claus had bought him last year from Best Buy on Black Friday), his shining, bright red, symbol of all that is marketable, HIS BELOVED SLEIGH WAS SNOWED IN!

He had a sneaking suspicion that the Grinch had been down his street with his oversized plow. A@$-Hole.

His mind raced. Christmas was just a few days away and he would never be able to dig it out by himself. He laughed to himself, remembering the silly myth about elves. If they were real they would be able to help him. “Who had made that one up? ” he wondered. But now was not time for jokes and silly fictional characters. Now was time for action.

His resolve was legendary. Known throughout the land, amongst all the penguins and polar bears, as the man you could depend on when you need a commercial done. He took a deep breath and weighed his options. He could rent a car from Avis®. After all they were offering great rates this time of year, but that would be too much of a hassle. He could borrow a vehicle from his older, but bitter brother Fred Claus®, but he couldn’t find Vince Vaughn’s phone number. He could take public transportation…. but seriously, who are we kidding? The NP54 never comes.

He was almost ready to give up, when it hit him like a reindeer stampede. Santa had his old sleigh, a 1988 Dodge Neon-Sleigh with 247,000 miles on it. He wasn’t sure it would run, but he for damn sure was gonna give it a try.

As he trekked over to the garage, a feeling of excitement came over him. Christmas would be saved and he would be a hero.  Because, as we all know, Christmas wouldn’t happen if our protagonist didn’t figure this one out. But he knew he would, because he always does.

Once inside, he noticed his extensive Black & Decker® tool set. “Overall the product is very easy to use. Even though it is a complex product, it is really easy to use and gives you great results. The SmartSelect technology makes it very easy to use”.

Sitting right beside the Rubbermaid® bins, which held all his ShamWows®, was the rusty, old vehicle. The door was unlocked. The keys were still inside . DAMN! It wouldn’t start.

Santa now expected the worst. It was possible for the first time in history that this holiday wouldn’t happen. He was unexpectedly calm, given the colossal consequences.

He went back inside to the warmth of his home. He made himself a steaming mug of Nestlé® hot cocoa. He needed to think, needed to slow his heart rate. He lit a fire in his fireplace and sat on his rocking chair, with a Snuggie® laid over his lap. If only someone could see him now. If only someone would take a picture of the scene with a Canon Rebel XTI® or paint a portrait of this image. Could probably sell a lot of hot cocoa. Too bad no one was around.

As he rocked slowly back and forth, he noticed  his MacBook® (that’s called foreshadowing kids) nearby. He quickly snatched it up. His personal settings and  social network profiles popped up. Ashton Kutcher is excited to rent Chronicles of Narnia for his kids. “Isn’t Twitter® awesome?”, he mumbled to no one in particular. He quickly changed his status on Facebook® to let everyone know the sitch – “OMG! OMG!  iiiiiiiii’mmmmmmm so screwed ppl  idk what to do.aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!! i need a vaca asap”. On YouTube®, favorited videos of Will Ferrell and Michael Jackson played. He then used Bing® to search Google®, then used Google® to search how to junk a car. The results startled him. He hadn’t realized how easy it was. There are companies that offer same day towing from anywhere! “Whats the zip code here?” he thought. He can get his junk car removed and get paid for it within just a few hours. He dialed the first number and set up a pick up time. Since he had a sleigh, which has no wheels, he requested a flatbed tow truck.

The tower came, a sweet guy named Bob. He led him outside.  Bob started pulling his levers on the side of the truck that only towers know how to use. Santa couldn’t help but smile. For at that moment all the kids in the world would be happy to know that Christmas would happen after all…

Santa and Bob had gathered all the reindeer and aligned them in their proper order readying themselves for the big night. They secured all the ropes and knots. They laughed together when they took a step back to examine the unusual sight. Rudolph, and all of his buddies, leading Bobs’ flatbed with all the big, red bags loaded on it. The tow truck getting towed. They were ready.

ho ho ho….